Legacy of Kain: Skits
by MortalSora
Summary: Have you ever wandered to yourself: 'Where can I find a good, moving, deep LoK fic with dignity' Well too bad cause this is LoK: Skits! Come on in, new chapter up! R & R!
1. Skits

Disclaimer: I do not own green eggs and ham I do not own LoK _________________________________________________________________  
  
A/N: In my pitiful attempt at making stories with plots, it's been getting harder and harder to make them funny. So although I will continue at least Unofficial SR3, I thought I'd also do a skit based fic, it's easier that way  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------  
  
((The scene is a shower room with Kain, Marcus, and Melchiah in the shower part and Vorador outside))  
  
Kain: Wow, Marcus your hair is flaky!  
  
Marcus: Yes, I know! My hair is so flaky that my head looks like a snow- tipped mountain!  
  
Melchiah: My hair's so flaky you could go snow skiing off of it!  
  
Vorador: Are you tired of flaky, oily hair? Then use Herbal Essences!  
  
(Kain, Marcus, and Melchiah are still in the shower, but now the shower's on and they're rubbing the Herbal Essence shampoo on their heads)  
  
Kain: (while rubbing the shampoo) Oh yes! Oh yes, that's hits the spot! Oh baby, oh yes!  
  
Marcus: (while rubbing shampoo) That's the spot right there! (his legs twitches)  
  
Melchiah: (while rubbing shampoo) Flakes can kiss my butt! Oh yes, oh yes shampoo! Oh yes!  
  
Umah and Ariel: O__O'  
  
(Vorador faces the readers and shoves the Herbal Essence shampoo in their faces))  
  
Vorador: Herbal Essence: A totally orgasmic experience!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---  
  
((The scene is the Circle of Nine and all but Mortanius are sitting in desks. Then Mortanius walks towards them and he's wearing a scholar's cap))  
  
Mortanius: Okay, I thought that since we are all the Circle of Nine, I thought that I should educate all of you since I'm the smartest one here.  
  
Bane: Ooh, what are you gonna teach us? I'm willing to learn and hankering to cooperate!  
  
Dejoule: Teacher's pet!  
  
Mortanius: I thought that now would be a good time to teach you Math.  
  
Anacrothe: Oh no, not math! I can't even count my toes!!  
  
Moebius: I can't even count my brain cells!  
  
Nupraptor: That would be one.  
  
Mortanius: Enough of this gay banter! Now, since you are all...(Mortanius ties to think of an eloquent word, but the word he chooses is the word that fits the Circle of Nine best)...stupid, I thought I'd start with very basic math.  
  
(then Mortanius reaches behind him and pulls out four vampire spleens)  
  
Mortanius: Okay, say we have 2 vampire spleens. TWO! And then we added 2 more vampire spleens. Now, how many vampire spleens have we got altogether?  
  
(Ariel excitedly raises her hand)  
  
Mortanius: Yes Ariel?  
  
Ariel: (with a goofy grin and proud) I don't know!  
  
(Mortanius rolls his eyes and then Malek jumps up too)  
  
Malek: I don't know either! I'm so proud!  
  
Mortanius: You're not supposed to answer if you don't know!!  
  
Ariel and Malek: Oh.  
  
(Ariel and Malek sit back down)  
  
Mortanius: Does anyone else have an answer?  
  
Bane: Can it be a wrong answer?  
  
Mortanius: No!  
  
Bane: Never mind.  
  
Mortanius: THE ANSWER IS 4 YOU RETARDS!!!  
  
Anacrothe: Oh, we were supposed to give you the right answer?  
  
Mortanius: OF COURSE YOU STUPID BOOB!  
  
(Mortanius then sits down and rubs his temples)  
  
Mortanius: I think I'm getting a migraine.  
  
Moebius: What are you gonna teach us next?  
  
Mortanius: Okay, since you are all obviously mentally retarded, I though that I'd start you people off with something even simpler.  
  
Nupraptor: Mr. Mortanius, my head went out, I need some more batteries. Does anyone have some AA Durabrain Batteries?  
  
Mortanius: Shut up! Okay, say we have 1 vampire bladder. ONE! And then we add another vampire bladder. So how many vampire bladders do we have altogether? And let me give you a hint: One plus one is 2.  
  
(All of the others seem to be thinking really hard except for Nupraptor because his head ran out of juice. After a few minutes, Mortanius was just about to get seriously ill, when...)  
  
Moebius: Eureka, I've got it!!  
  
Mortanius: Okay, what's the answer?  
  
Moebius: What was the question again?  
  
Mortanius: (irritated sigh) The question was: What is 1 vampire bladder plus one more vampire bladder equal.  
  
(Once again, Moebius is thinking really hard)  
  
Mortanius: Come on, think really hard you poor dope. Dig into your deep, empty, shallow moron mind to find the answer.  
  
(Moebius finally comes up with his answer)  
  
Moebius: 56.97 is the answer.  
  
Mortanius: NO YOU STUPID DOOR KNOB!  
  
Malek: I think I know!  
  
Mortanius: NO YOU DON'T YOU STUPID PIMPLE, SO SHUT UP BEFORE I POP YOU!!  
  
Moebius: Then what is the answer?  
  
Mortanius: The answer is TWO!!  
  
All but Mortanius: Oh.  
  
Ariel: I gotta go to the toilet.  
  
Mortanius: You cannot go because you don't have a bottom half!  
  
Ariel: Oh yeah, I forgot! Never mind, I don't gotta go anymore!  
  
Mortanius: Okay, now I've got a math problem that not even you jibbos could  
  
screw up. What is zero plus zero? What's the answer Ariel?  
  
Ariel: Um...uh...  
  
Nupraptor: (whispering to Ariel) Turkey sandwich.  
  
Ariel: The answer is turkey sandwich!  
  
Mortanius: D'arghhhhhhhh!!!  
  
(Mortanius, in his frustration, then kills Ariel with a knife then blames it on being possessed by a demon which is a lie)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
Taa-daa! I might do lots more little skits like this until I get done with the next chapter of any other fics! But when I update this in the meantime, the next chapter will have a musical interlude sung by Magnus (I've already chosen what it'll be) and I'm bound to have other weird stuff. Don't forget NOT to flame! 


	2. Skits 2

Disclaimer: Oh, you know the story. Just read Disclaimer from Chapter 1 _________________________________________________________________  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------  
  
((The scene is Kain's living room or in other words, the Pillars. Umah is sitting on a couch with him))  
  
Umah: Oh Kain, say romantic things to me.  
  
Kain: (Pissed off face, which doesn't belong to me so it's copywrong)  
  
Umah: Pleeeeeease...  
  
Kain: Okay. Your eyes are bluer than the...water in my toilet.  
  
Umah: T_T  
  
Kain: Don't you dare T_T at me! Besides, um, uh, you have sexy...nostrils?  
  
Umah: You are about as charming as Al Bundy.  
  
(then Raziel cames running up to them)  
  
Raziel: Hey Kain, there's something I've been wanting to ask you lately. Where do babies come from? In other words, where did I come from?  
  
Kain: O__O'  
  
Umah: O__O'  
  
Raziel: Where did I come from?  
  
Kain: Um, heh heh. Okay, when a daddy vampire and a mommy vampire love each other very much...  
  
(And then Kain goes about explaining, in great detail, the machinations of sex. Keep in mind that right now, Raziel is only a very young kid vampire. Kain has now finished greatly describing sex)  
  
Kain: ...and that technique is called the Crazy 8. Well, that about does it.  
  
Raziel: That's really how I was made? Oh okay, that sounds pretty cool, I'll have to tell the others!  
  
(then Raziel runs off. Umah is staring at Kain)  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Umah: I thought you said we were gonna tell him the truth whenever he asked.  
  
Kain: Ah, we'll tell him when he's older. The truth would've scarred him for life at his age.  
  
Umah: (death glare, which is probably also copywrong)  
  
(Raziel runs back up to them)  
  
Raziel: Hello!  
  
Kain: I lied. Now I'll tell you the real way you were born. When a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much, and they want a kid,  
  
they find a dead body and put part of their soul into the dead body, thus siring them. And that's how you were born.  
  
Raziel: (incredibly disgusted face) Ewww!! Eww, you did that? Ewww!! Terrible mental images!! Eww, I'll never look at you the same way again! That's disgusting, I'll never do that!!  
  
(then Raziel, deeply scarred and disgusted, crawled away)  
  
Kain: Oh, good going Umah! Now we have ANOTHER weirdo son!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
And Now A Musical Interlude...  
  
((Magnus walked out into the streets when another vampire ran past him))  
  
Magnus: Yo there, what's the hurry?  
  
Vampire: Storm's a brewin', it's gonna rain.  
  
(Vampire ran off)  
  
Magnus: Rain?  
  
(then it starts raining, and despite it burning Magnus badly, he started tap- dancing)  
  
Magnus: I'm burning in the rain  
  
Just burning in the rain  
  
What a burning sensation-AHHHH! IT BURNS LIKE A MOTHER-  
  
I'm pissed again  
  
I'm PISSED at the clouds  
  
So dark up above-AHHH, IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US LIKE A MO' FO'!  
  
'Cause I'm pissed off at heart  
  
And I'm ready to mame-THAT DOESN'T RHYME, BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, I'M FRAKIN' BURNING HERE! NO RESPECT!  
  
(but Magnus kept tap-dancing anyway, even though the water was burning him.  
  
Soon, Magnus was crawling on his belly)  
  
Magnus: DAMN YOU RAIN!! I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD!  
  
(System Administrator MortalSora: Sorry, but Magnus shall be unable to sing the rest of the song cause he's screaming bloody murder at the clouds and rain.  
  
Thank you for your time and attention)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------  
  
(The scene is a conference room. In it are Kain, two soldiers in white, two soldiers in black, and a soldier in plaid)  
  
Kain: Okay, I called this special meeting to figure out how the hell to get rid of all you weirdos. The first order of business is to introduce you all to one another.  
  
(Kain points to the soldiers in white)  
  
Kain: These are the annoying as piss Soldiers of Hope.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope thank you for introducing us He of Fair Eyes!  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope yes thanky you, may the heavenly beams beam down tidings of joy onto your everlasting soul! I hope and may you some day be able to express free form and blessed art thou! I hope may you walk into a cosplay shop and dress like a pretty flower!!  
  
Kain: ...right. Next, let's introduce the Soldiers of Despair.  
  
(Kain points to the soldiers in black)  
  
Soldier of Despair 1: (barely audible voice) Yes, despair is the only thing one can count on. Yes, everlasting darkness shall develop my soul, weave my soul into hopes and dreams and then when my soul is full of hope, darkness shall come  
  
and kick my soul in its testicles.  
  
Soldier of Despair 2: We don't even deserve an introduction. We are all hopelessness and dark. All we do is listen to Marilyn Manson.  
  
Kain: G'damn, has Nosgoth always been populated by these f**king nutcases? And last but thankfully least, is the Soldier of Flarred-Nostrils Buggy- Eyes One- Buttuck-Bigger-Than-The-Other Totally Demented Speech Impaired or the Soldier of FNBEOBBTTOTDSP for short. Doesn't sound much shorter to me.  
  
(Kain points at the soldier in plaid)  
  
Soldier of FNBEOBBTTOTDSP: Ah, hakkahmahkahfahkah mahka nho dho sho hi!  
  
Kain: O__O  
  
Kain: AHEM, the first order of business is-  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: (pointing and interrupting Kain) I hope hush all you people, He of Fair Eyes is talking!  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope yes, we must listen to the dear Kain and listen to all of the words the fair Kain has to say! I hope we must all try to be more like him, he is wondrous, he is fit to be a king, beauty radiates from his very existence, like a beautiful bird flying, flying in the wonderful, clear sky! I hope I wish I could be as majestic and lucrative as Kain, able to stand and speak on a level of impressive stasis such as Kain, Kain the Beautiful!!  
  
Kain: O__O'  
  
Kain: Um...  
  
Soldier of Despair 1: (barely audible) Yes, we must all want to try to radiate like Kain, but the darkness of our souls is to heavy the burden, the darkness will suck us in, will enclose us, the darkness is what binds the truly chosen. I hope Kain yells at us, I hope he curses us out, I hope he damns us to oblivion.  
  
Kain: I'm glad to hear you say that, CAUSE I'D LIKE TO DO TH-  
  
Soldier of Despair 2: Yes, please, kill us. See my butt, it's the butt of darkness, just cut it off and take it.  
  
Kain: CAN I SAY-  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope yes, we must all rally our forces, build to shrine for Kain aka He of Fair Eyes!  
  
Soldier of FNBEOBBTTOTDSP: Kahkki fahkahkha sasahki sahsah kahfi!  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope we should build a bouquet of flowery goodness around Kain, we should dress him as a prince and worship his very essence, we should maybe even dress him as a princess, for his beauty exudes!  
  
Kain: NOW WAIT A-  
  
Soldier of Despair 2: We shall, we shall take our punishment in full force for all eternity, our darkness shall teach us the horrors of monogamy, the darkness in our souls must LIVE! And Kain shall take us there, to our darkest forms, to our deathly punity!  
  
Kain: ARGHHH, YOU'RE ALL FRUIT BASKETS!  
  
(then Kain runs out screaming as the five soldiers squabbled to each other about tress and pies and other things, never really noticing Kain's absence)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
I had really hoped to update sooner (in fact, I had all but that last sketch written out), but due to an incredible illness, I wasn't able to. But no more illness anymore, been healed! Hopefully I'll get the next set of sketches out by Christmas time! 


	3. Santy Kain!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK, or Santa Clause (he's real, dammit!)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------  
  
(The scene is a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. Kain is standing at the wheel, a pirate's hat on, an eyepatch, and a peg leg. The narrator, who is Mortanius, speaks)  
  
Mortanius: Now I will list you the top 5 reasons why you don't see any vampire who also happen to be pirates.  
  
(Kain is shown with an eye-patch over both eyes)  
  
Mortanius: Reason number one: They don't know which eye to put a patch over  
  
so they put one on both eyes. You can probably see why this is a bad idea.  
  
(Kain, with an eye-patch over both eyes, walks proudly, blindly, until he runs into the wheel and falls off the ship)  
  
Kain: Aye, it burnssssss, savy?  
  
Mortanius: Reason number two: They get bored fighting and killing and blwoing holes into the weak human ships, so they blow holes in their own ships.  
  
(shows Kain, dressed as a pirate with one eye-patch, ordering the vampire crewmates to blow a hole into their own ship)  
  
Kain: Humans are so easy to kill that it's boring, aye? So let's kill our own ships!  
  
(so the vampires turn the cannons into their OWN ship and starts firing on their own ship. Soon their ship has sunken and they're all dead)  
  
Mortanius: Well, they're not bored anymore. Reason number 3: They keep trying to catch killer whales.  
  
(shows Kain dressed as a pirate, calling himself Captain Kain-hab, and is ordering the crew to find and kill Moebius Dick, the evil killer whale)  
  
Kain-hab: And now to motivate you, my crew, I shall nail a coin to the mast.  
  
(so Kain starts to nail the coin to the mast, but ends up nailing his hand to the mast as well)  
  
Mortanius: All of his flailing and screaming wakes up Moebius Dick who then eats them all. Reason number 4: Whenever there's a man overboard, all of the vampires dive into the WATER after the overboard person.  
  
(shows Kain as a pirate looking down and sees a dead vampire drifting in the water)  
  
Kain: Everyone! Man overboard, savy!  
  
(and so the entire crew, except Kain, dive into the water to save the overboard vampire, just to all get burnt to death)  
  
Kain: Whoops.  
  
Mortanius: Reason number 5 which happens to be the most important reason why you never see any vampires that are also pirates: They all got into a terrible war where they ALL died because one half thought they should be called Vampire Pirates and the other half thought they should be called Pirate Vampires. And that was the end of a truly stupid race.  
  
(Mortanius bows and the screen goes black)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
(The scene is the Pillars and Kain's sitting on his thrown dressed as Santa Clause. Janos was beside him in a green pointy hat, green pointy shoes with bells on them, a green frilly shirt and unnecessarily tight green tights)  
  
Kain: Every years I'm Father Christmas for the sake of my mentally challenged sons who still thinks Santa Clause is real, and every year they kick my shin and I mouth off at them for being stupid.  
  
Janos: Well maybe someone needs some-(Janos wiggles Kain's nose)-Christmas cheer! Remember: (Janos cues his singing voice) You're making a list, you're checking it twice, you've gotta find out who's naughty or nice-  
  
(before Janos could continue in his happy glee, Kain must have decided he wanted to be naughty cause he hit Janos in the stomach with a protractor)  
  
Kain: Shut up ya stupid elf! Okay, let the first of my retarded brethren step forward and tell me what retarded stuff they want. Now they're gonna hop on  
  
my legs and crush my crotch. Joy.  
  
(Melchiah steps forward and sits on Kain's legs)  
  
Melchiah: Yay! Santa Clause! Wow, I never knew Santa Clause was so wrinkly!  
  
Kain: (heavy sigh) Just tell me what you want, cretin!  
  
Melchiah: I want a Red Rider BB Gun!  
  
Kain: No!! You're shoot your eyes out! Retard!  
  
(then Melchiah pouts, kicks Kain's shin, then leaves. Kain is groping his shin)  
  
Kain: Told you.  
  
Janos: Someone needs to be more jolly!  
  
(Zephon comes up, runs, and hops on Kain's legs)  
  
Zephon: Why do you look so angry Santa? Your face is flushed red. Are you mad at me?  
  
Janos: No, Santa's face is red cause he's so jolly!  
  
Kain: (thinking) Note to self: Strangle the crap outta Janos. (out loud) So what do you want ya little hobgoblin?  
  
Zephon: I want to be able to shoot webs out of my hands like Spider-Man!  
  
Kain: Spider-Man isn't real. Spider-Man fought Newspaper-Man and then Newspaper-Man squished Spider-Man.  
  
Zephon: Noooo-oooo-ooo-ooo!!  
  
(Zephon jumped off, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)  
  
Kain: Why my shin?  
  
Janos: You need more Christmas spirit Kainy Clause!  
  
Kain: Don't call me that.  
  
(Rahab runs up and jumps on Kain)  
  
Kain: Ho ho ho, what the hell do you want for Christmas?  
  
Rahab: I want some catnip!  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Janos: ...  
  
Rahab: (puppy dog eyes)  
  
Kain: (well, Kain couldn't think of a cruel enough insult about what Rahab wished for, so Kain just settled for a simple:) My god, you're an ugly child. And damn goofy too.  
  
(Rahab cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)  
  
Kain: Owy!  
  
Janos: Kainy Clause, why can't you be jolly?  
  
Kain: I thought I told you not to call me that.  
  
(then Dumah entered and started to jump to Kain, but Kain held out his claws)  
  
Kain: No, you're fat ass will break my legs. Ho ho ho and all that, what do you want for Christmas?  
  
Dumah: Well, I was thinking that since I'm much better than my other brothers and I'm much more manly, I should get something for Christmas that shows just how much more manly I am!  
  
Kain: (skeptical) Yes?  
  
Dumah: Permission to take Enzyme! The natural "Vampire" enhancement!  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Dumah: (goofy grin)  
  
Kain: Tell ya what, I'll just get you Rock'em Sock'em Vampires.  
  
Dumah: Goody, I've been wanting one of those!  
  
(Dumah jumped into the air in excitement then left. Then Turel came in and walked up to Kain)  
  
Turel: Santy Clause!! Is it true that if you sire standing up then your first-born turns out cross-eyed!?  
  
Kain: Just tell me what you want blockhead.  
  
Turel: I want a pony!  
  
Kain: Ponies die...  
  
(then Turel cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)  
  
Janos: Someone needs a little Christmas spirit! How's about a hug? A great big hug!  
  
(then, before Kain could pull Janos' intestines out through his mouth, Raziel walked up to him)  
  
Raziel: Santa Clause!!  
  
Kain: What do you want you genetically engineered freak?  
  
Raziel: You're so funny Santa! I want...to be a beautiful tree, all oaky with leaves falling down my sweet little arms!  
  
Kain: (stares) You'll just get Dutch Elm Disease and die.  
  
(then Raziel stabs his shin and Kain falls to the ground in pain)  
  
Kain: The torture...the torture...  
  
Janos: How about a hug? I'd love to give you a Christmas hug to cheer you up cause I'm Santa's little helper! Besides, it's Christmas and you get a special Christmas wish. Go ahead, wish for something, it may come true! And besides, you need to be more joy, be more gay like me!  
  
(Kain glared at him then Kain scrunched up his eyes tight and wished. A few  
  
minute later, he stood up slightly disappointed)  
  
Janos: Well?  
  
Kain: So far, my wish hasn't come true.  
  
(then, all of a sudden, a portal appeared and the Sarafan Lord stepped out,  
  
kicked Janos in the balls and threw Janos into the demon realm where Janos would suffer forever and the Sarafan Lord left into the portal. Then Moebius and Vorador entered, Moebius chopped off Vorador's head, then Moebius died of a  
  
heart attack)  
  
Kain: My wish DID come true!  
  
(then Kain walked off satisfied)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
This is my Christmas present for you! An already updated skits, and to tell you the truth, this was originally gonna be longer (it was gonna have a sketch with Magnus as the Grinch) but difficulties (such as skits being to long, wanna make them short, and getting this out in time for Christmas) led to the skit not getting done, but it may be made out in a latter date. I will be working on this some more, but it probably won't be updated for a while because I shall be devoting lots and lots of my free time to another LoK fic called "The Pillars of Nosgoth" which will be a novelized (a serious one) version of Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain. I will be putting a WHOLE LOT of time, dedication, devotion, and studying to this novelization. I will be doing a lot of studying towards LoK to make sure I get absolutely everything right and I will try to write it as professionally as possible to ensure that it will feel as much like a novel as possible while retaining its video game charm. Well, wish me luck in this noble undertaking and review if you liked. P.S. Seeing LoTR: Return of the King in the theaters was one of the best 3 and a half hours of my life and merry Christmas! 


	4. Dumb Trek and horrors of French Nosgoth

Disclaimer: Don't own LoK but I do own all the games _________________________________________________________________  
  
((The scene is outer space. A spaceship called Enterprice is flying backwards)  
  
Zephon: (VO) Space log...12934745743...our mission...is to seek out...new life wherever we...go, to explore...and to boldly back away from where no man has gone before!  
  
(Star Trek music plays)  
  
Zephon is Catpain Kirk  
  
Hash'ak'gik is Scotty  
  
Magnus is Spock  
  
Raziel is Jim  
  
Mortanius is Doctor  
  
Dumah is Guy in Red Shirt That Always Dies  
  
Directed by Coleman Francis  
  
(the scene is the inside of the Enterprice. The chair in the middle of the main flying room is now a toilet instead. Zephon walks up and notices the toilet and turns to Hash'ak'gik)  
  
Zephon: Scotty...would you mind telling...me WHY there's a toilet in the middle of the room!  
  
Hask'ak'gik: I dunno Catpain! I'm a Scottish just so yoo know!  
  
Zephon: Someone has...been redecorating my...spaceship! I'm a puny...little Hades' twinkie who can't figure anything out on my own so I must call out for help.  
  
Hask'ak'gik: That you are Catpain!  
  
Zephon: Help...me Spock!  
  
(Magnus came running in)  
  
Magnus: SPOCK LIKES MEAT!  
  
Zephon: Yes Spock...you do. I have...a crisis.  
  
Magnus: CATPAIN KIRK ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS! KIRK IS LOSER!  
  
Hask'ak'gik: Dat is logical.  
  
(Zephon points at the toilet)  
  
Zephon: What...is that...travesty!?  
  
Magnus: WHY IT IS A TOILET CATPAIN KIRK!  
  
Zephon: (looks towards the readers and romantic music starts playing) Yes but...do you have any...idea how emotional...this can be...to me?  
  
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTIONS! SPOCK UNDERSTANDS MEAT THOUGH!  
  
Zephon: I mean...the toilet has now...been defiled from its purpose...as a private kingdom. This is...dramatic.  
  
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T CARE, SPOCK WANTS MEAT!  
  
Hash'ak'gik: No time for dat romanteec stuff now catpain, where are heading  
  
towards a planet!  
  
Zephon: What...is more...dramatic than a...defiled toilet?  
  
Hash'ak'gik: We're heading towards Uranus.  
  
Zephon: There are...Klingons at...Uranus!  
  
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Zephon: What is...so funny?  
  
Hask'ak'gik: Yeah, dis is serious!  
  
Zephon: Scotty, set a...course for Uranus!  
  
Magnus: SPOCK FEELS WEIRD SENSATION THAT YOU PRIMITVE HUMANS CALL HUMOR!  
  
Hash'ak'gik: Be careful everyone, we're gonna have to go at da light speed to enter Uranus and when there we can wipe out da Klingons! Everyone ready?  
  
Magnus: (snickers) AHEM, (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND (snickers) THE CONCEPT OF HUMOR SO (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T THINK THIS IS (snickers) FUNNY!  
  
(so everyone buckled up and entered light-speed. When they were in Uranus, they unbuckled after decelerating but a certain other member wasn't buckled so when they went out of light-speed, a crewmember in a red shirt went flying past and landed in a stump grinder. Raziel and Mortanius enter)  
  
Raziel: Doctor, is Dumah okay?  
  
Mortanius: Damnit Jim, I'm an Organ Demonstrator, not a doctor!  
  
Raziel: But is he dead?  
  
Mortanius: He's dead Jim.  
  
Raziel: (angst)  
  
Mortanius: (mock angst)  
  
Zephon: Crew, let's...venture out into...Uranus!  
  
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T (now in fits of laughter) THINK THIS IS (fits of laughter) FUNNY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
((MortalSora of the Azure Sky: What dramatic events await our heroes? Find out in Part 2!))  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
((The scene is some seemingly random place in Nosgoth. There are tremors in the ground and after a while two vampires dig out from under the ground, Kain and Melchiah. Melchiah is holding a map))  
  
Kain: (looks around) Hey, wait a minute! This doesn't look like Albuquerque!  
  
Melchiah: That's cause it's not.  
  
Kain: I told you we should've token that left turn at Willendorf!  
  
Melchiah: Then you use the map next time!  
  
(Kain, Melchiah and the other lieutenants climb out of a hole in the ground and they look around. There are restaurants everywhere, all for spaghetti, and a huge tower)  
  
Raziel: Where are we?  
  
Zephon: Oh, spaghetti!  
  
(then a Dumahim walks up. The vampire is wearing black and white stripped shirt, black pants, and a red barret)  
  
Dumahim: Ohohohohoh, vwelcome! And vwhat have we here?  
  
Rahab: Where are we?  
  
Dumahim: French Nosgoth of course! (lots of accordion music can be heard in  
  
the background, all off-beat)  
  
Rahab: Um...  
  
Dumahim: Vwait, are you a threat!?  
  
Dumah Why do you want to know?  
  
Dumahim: Because if you are a threat, we will either run or surrender immediately!  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Dumahim: Cause it's French custom of course! A children's book haz more of a spine zen us!  
  
Zephon: (nervous sweat drop) (sweat drops burn) AHHHHH, IT BURNS!!  
  
Dumahim: A burn! Oh no!!  
  
(then tons of French vampires hide)  
  
French Rahabim: We surrender!  
  
Kain: Oh G'damn it, it was just a tiny sweat drop!  
  
(French Dumahim cautiously peeks his head around a bench)  
  
Dumahim: You sure zat was all it was?  
  
Kain: YES!  
  
(the French vampires all come out of hiding)  
  
Rahabim: You must forgive us, we are, as you people would say "wieners."  
  
Kain: Yes, I can see that now. Listen, it's been a long journey, are there any humans we can eat?  
  
Dumahim: Humans!? Pffft! In French Nosgoth we only eat frogs! Preferably with pumpernickel sauce!  
  
Kain: My god...  
  
Melchiah: How come we never take the correct turn at Willendorf?  
  
Dumahim: Of course we have liquids to drink. Wine!  
  
Zephon: You drink wine?  
  
Dumahim: Ohohohohohoho, but of course we drink wine! What kind of French vampires would we be if we didn't drink wine?  
  
Turel: I'm scared! Let's get out of this place!  
  
Dumahim: No no no no no, don't go! We French vampires need your help!  
  
Kain: Oh cripe! What is it?  
  
Rahabim: It haz been really hot lately and many of our kind have been dying of heat stroke and we can't figure out why! Can you solve this mystery?  
  
(Kain and the lieutenants could tell that it was really hot, 130 degrees to be exact, and then they found the source of the problem. In the 130 degree heat, all of the French vampires were wearing heavy wool costumed that thickly covered there entire body)  
  
Dumah: (to Kain) Please, with vampires this stupid, can't we just let them burn to death?  
  
Kain: Not just yet. Let's explore their houses.  
  
Rahabim: Very good idea, maybe we vwill found the root of our problems there!  
  
(so the Rahabim led Kain and the others to a modern French house. Inside of the house, the other French vampires that lived there wore triple thick cotton wool clothes and all there heaters were up to max, which was around 120 degrees)  
  
Rahabim: So vwhy do you think we are dying of heat stroke!? I zink that I speak for all French vampires when I say that I am totally stumped!  
  
Turel: (to Kain) Please, can't we let them die?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
(Kain and all the other vampires walked outside of the house)  
  
Rahabim: So vwhat do vwe do to stop our dying of heat stroke!?  
  
Raziel: (whispers to Melchiah) They could kill themselves.  
  
Melchiah: Hehehehehe.  
  
Kain: (to Rahabim) Have you heard of ICE or AIR CONDITIONERS?  
  
Rahabim: Yes, vwhat's your point?  
  
Kain: Just turn them on your freakin' morons!  
  
Rahabim: Hazaa! You've saved us! We didn't think of zat!  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes)  
  
Dumahim: We are saved!  
  
Zephon: Achoo! (Zephon sneezes)  
  
Dumahim: (horrified look) Oh no, he has sneezed! He might have SARS! Run away!  
  
Rahabim: We surrender without fighting!  
  
(and then all of the French vampires hide and some surrender and beg Zephon's sneeze for mercy)  
  
Dumah: On my god, let's get out of here!  
  
(so they all go back into the hole from which they arrived in and dig some more)  
  
Raziel: But you know Kain, I'm surprised you didn't just kill them. That's uncharacteristic of you.  
  
Duamh: Yeah, why didn't you just kill them?  
  
Kain: Just because they're sissy annoying French vampires doesn't mean there's nothing good about France.  
  
Turel: What have the French done right?  
  
Kain: French maids! ^__^  
  
(they all silently nodded in agreement)  
  
Raziel: (under his breath) No wonder vampires are all thought of as perverted.  
  
(so then they dug back the way they came and once AGAIN took the wrong turn  
  
at Willendorf)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
Yay, this chapter of skits has just been so fun to write. I actually laughed a lot while writing this, which is pretty rare for me. And as for my Blood Omen novelization, I am getting near the end of the Prologue. I'm at where Malek gets damned and I re-watched the beginnig cinema at least 8 times just to make sure I get the details of the four guardians down right, even the one that dies as soon as Vorador bursts in. And I've re-watched it at least 2 times just to see what the vampire that gets impaled at the very beginning looks like, so as you can see I'm taking this very seriously. Anyway, I just had to write this in the meantime, I couldn't let this idea stay buried. Well, hope you enjoyed and if so then review! 


	5. Interview and Helping Addicts

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
(And now, I present to you, a fireside interview in Vorador's Mansion with Vorador. The scene is two chairs in front of a fire, one with Vorador and the other with Dejoule)  
  
Dejoule: Welcome fellow readers as we interview the man himself, Vorador. Vorador, how are you doing?  
  
Vorador: Very well, if you know what I mean.  
  
Dejoule: What?  
  
Vorador: I know you just want my body, it's normal.  
  
Dejoule: (glares) No! I'm here to interview you, ya green freak.  
  
Vorador: Oh, interview me! (snaps his finger and winks an eye) Suuuuure, I understand what you mean! (perverted grin)  
  
Dejoule: (rolls eyes) Okaaaay, first question: What do you like the most of all?  
  
Vorador: Sex, if you know what I mean! (touches his nose)  
  
Dejoule: I think we've all cracked your stupid little horny code Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Sex is my code, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.  
  
Dejoule: Okay, question number two: What's the thing you fear the most?  
  
Vorador: Not having sex, if you know what I mean!  
  
Dejoule: (glares harder) Riiiiiiight. Question number three: When did you first notice you became a vampire?  
  
Vorador: When I couldn't have sex normally, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.  
  
Dejoule: Do I have to neuter you! Question number fourth: Has being famous changed your life any?  
  
Vorador: No, but I get more sex, if you know what I mean!  
  
Dejoule: I'm gonna kill...gonna strangle...your neck in my hands...kill...(to herself) whew, just calm down. Okay, question number five: What was it like when you first drank blood...don't answer that!! I know what you're gonna say!!  
  
Vorador: What?  
  
Dejoule: You're gonna say 'The first time I drunk blood was like having sex, if you know what I mean!!'  
  
Vorador: I am not!! I'm very insulted!!  
  
Dejoule: (sigh) Okay, I'm sorry. What were you going to say?  
  
Vorador: The first time I drank blood was like...SOMEONE having sex with ME, if you know what I mean!  
  
Dejoule: (evil twitch) Okay, question number six: If you could kill ANYONE, who would you kill? (suspicious stare)  
  
Vorador: Shinji Mikami. He was that son of a bitch president at Capcom who royally sold out the PS2 and flamed Kingdom Hearts just because it sold better then his crappy Resident Evil remake on that other system.  
  
Dejoule: Yeah, he sucks. Whew, a normal answer for once. Okay, question number seven: What's your favorite kind of wood paneling on a door?  
  
Vorador: Hmmm, I would have to say Oaken wood paneling because it reminds me of this girl named Oaken who I had sex with, if you know what I mean!  
  
Dejoule: If you say anything about SEX one more time, you will have a very painful appointment with me and...(she takes out a pencil) this pencil!  
  
Vorador: (buggy-eyed) Ga-goo!  
  
Dejoule: Right. Now, question number eight: Who is your best friend in all of Nosgoth. And think wisely about what you SAY because remember the pencil.  
  
Vorador: Um, er, uh, how do I put this? Ah, I know!  
  
(Vorador slides a sheet of paper to Dejoule that has his answer on it. She picks up the paper and reads it aloud)  
  
Dejoule: (reading the paper) "My best friend in the whole of Nosgoth is this little ditty called Sex, if you know what I mean." (glares at him)  
  
Vorador: Hey, you only said if I SAY anything about sex. You never said anything about WRITING down an answer about sex.  
  
Dejoule: That's it!! I'm outta here!  
  
(Dejoule tries to leave but Kain enters and stops her)  
  
Kain: Hey, wait a minute. What about the rest of the interview?  
  
Dejoule: Ah, just go STUFF YOUR INTERVIEW!  
  
(then Dejoule storms past him then leaves. Kain glares at Vorador)  
  
Vorador: Hey, she said to stuff yourself! That means sex, if you know what I mean!  
  
(several miles away, even all the way within the deepest pits of the Sarafan Stronghold, everyone could hear the agonizing screaming of a perverted green vampire)  
  
Random Sarafan: (to Random Sarafan 2) Hey, did you hear that?  
  
Random Sarafan 2: Yeah, it sounded like a green perverted vampire agonizingly screaming.  
  
(see, I told ya)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------  
  
(the scene is the inside of a studio. Kain and Janos are sitting in chairs while looking professional at the same time)  
  
Kain: Hello, I'm Kain!  
  
Janos: And I'm Janos!  
  
Kain: And welcome to our show! And in case you're wondering what we do on this show, we help addicts overcome their addictions!  
  
Janos: That's right, we help those poor, stressed addicts overcome their terrible addictions and help create a better humanity!  
  
Kain: Right! Actually, I'm the one who helps these poor addicts while Janos sits back and supervises.  
  
Janos: That sure is swell!  
  
Kain: Why do you talk like an early 60's sitcom character? Anyway, the first of the two addictions that will be covered in this show is Chocolate Addictions and then Drug Addictions!  
  
Janos: And I understand that you have welcomed in a crowd of Chocolate Addicts to help them overcome their addictions and to encourage them.  
  
Kain: Right I have! Let's let them in!  
  
(then 68 vampires enter the studio and sit in the bleachers that's facing Kain and Janos. All of these vampires are addicted to Chocolate)  
  
Kain: Now, I understand that all of you vampires are severely addicted to chocolate at a life-threatening rate, am I correct?  
  
Audience: Yes!!  
  
Janos: Well you lucky devils, you've come to the right place. Kain is here to help you and encourage you all!  
  
(just then a stagehand comes in and hands Kain a gigantic Hershey bar that goes from his foot to his knee)  
  
Kain: Wow, the chocolate bar that's said to be tastier than anything in the world has arrived! Thank you!  
  
(Kain, in front of all of these severe Chocolate Addicts, then unwraps the HUGE chocolate bar and starts eating)  
  
Janos: (horrified look)  
  
Kain: (while eating the chocolate) Now, I understand this may be tough for you...DAMN, THIS IS GOOD CHOCOLATE! YUM!!  
  
Janos: (nervous sweat drop)  
  
Kain: As I was saying, I know this--(bites chocolate)-man, this is the greatest tasting stuff ever!-I know that this must be tough for you all, resisting chocolate and all-(bites again)-wow, this is awesome, you people don't know what you're missing!  
  
(the audience starts developing a nervous twitch)  
  
Kain: As I was saying, (Kain takes a huge bite and has his mouth full of chocolate) it muff be tuff to keep your hands afay from fhocolate and I'm fery fery proud of you all.  
  
(the audience really starts to twitch badly)  
  
Kain: (bites into the chocolate) But anyway, you deserve-man, this chocolate is so good! It's so good I may have to start rubbing chocolate on myself!-you deserve a metal for resisting this chocolaty, sugary goodness.  
  
Janos: Um...  
  
Audience: (evil twitch)  
  
Kain: I could never resist chocolate like you recovering Chocolate Addicts do because-hold on a second.  
  
(Kain leaves right quick but then comes back with chocolate syrup, which he  
  
pours all over him)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, it's like a chocolate bath! (turns to audience) I really must applaud you people for getting over your chocolate craving addiction because it must be tough for you-oh yes, all this chocolate! Better than sex, that's how good this chocolate is, oh yeah-ahem, I am really proud of you.  
  
(Kain then pours chocolate syrup over the Hershey's bar and starts eating it)  
  
Kain: Mmmmm-mmmmmm!  
  
Random Audience Mmeber: (evil twitch) Let's GET HIM!!  
  
All The Other Audience Members: YEAH!  
  
(Janos quickly crawls away and the Audience Members all beat up on Kain who  
  
was still eating chocolate right in front of the Recovering Chocolate Addicts that make up the audience)  
  
MortalSora of the Azure Sky: Forgive us, the Kain and Janos Addicts Show is  
  
experiencing some technical difficulties. Wait a minute, we're back on.  
  
(the scene is Janos and Kain. Kain has a black eye, broken nose, busted lip, and has had his left appendix torn out, yet he still has a smile on his face. The Recovering Chocolate Addicts are now Chocolate Addicts again cause of Kain and they have all left)  
  
Janos: (sternly) Well Kain, was it worth it?  
  
Kain: Yep! Besides, what do I need an appendix for?  
  
Janos: Well, that's all for this edition of-  
  
Kain: Wait a minute! We've still got another set of Recovering Addicts to help their recovery process with!  
  
Janos: (skeptical) Okaaaaay.  
  
Kain: I've got to help Recovering Drug Addicts overcome their drug cravings.  
  
Janos: And what special thing have you done for these people?  
  
(Kain presents to Janos a sandbox filled with white powder)  
  
Janos: (outraged) YOU MADE A SANDBOX FULL OF KILO FOR THEM!!?  
  
Kain: Of course not! It's really just baking powder, but they're druggies, they won't know the difference.  
  
Janos: You are a sick, twisted, cruel bastard, you know that?!  
  
Kain: (smug look) Yep. ^__^  
  
(Janos gets up and heads to the exit of the studio)  
  
Kain: Where you going?  
  
Janos: I'm NOT gonna get killed in the crossfire!  
  
Kain: Suit yourself.  
  
(so Janos left and the Recovering Drug Addicts came in and let's just say that by the end of the day Kain had 1 liver less than when he started the day)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
I love Kain, he's just so cruel! Well, hope you liked this chapter of skits and don't forget to review! 


	6. Skits 6

Disclaimer: It's the same freakin' story every time, in other words I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
(The scene is a Wal-Mart UberCenter and the scene's actually outside of the doors into the place. Zephon is standing next to all of the arcade games and is nervous)  
  
Zephon: (nervously tapping his left foot) Where is he? He should be here by  
  
now!  
  
(just then Kain arrived)  
  
Kain: What is so important that you had to call me away from cattle- tipping!?  
  
Zephon: Just look.  
  
(Zephon points to one of those toy machines that you use a claw to pull a toy out of. Well, somehow Melchiah has got himself stuck inside of it)  
  
Kain: Holy Underwear!!  
  
Zephon: Heh heh.  
  
Kain: Now how in the hole of hell did he do that!?  
  
Zephon: I don't know.  
  
Melchiah: Can you get me out?  
  
Zephon: But how!?  
  
Kain: (grins)  
  
(a few minutes later, Zephon is giving Kain quarters and Kain has managed to get Melchiah left arm and right leg. A crowd has formed)  
  
Baby Dumahim: (pointing to one of Melchiah's limbs) I want that toy mommy!  
  
Kain: Okay, let's see what I can get this time.  
  
(the claw in the machine latches onto Melchiah's right arm. The claw rips it off and if falls through the slit)  
  
Melchiah: Hey, ow!  
  
Zephon: (retrieves the arm) Woo-hoo! I've got another Melchiah part! And when we get his last leg, his head, and his torso I'll be able to put together my very own Metal Gear Melchiah!  
  
Kain: Another quarter?  
  
(Zephon gives Kain another quarter and Kain retrieves Melchiah's left leg. It falls through the slit)  
  
Zephon: Yay, another leg! Now we have one leg!  
  
Kain: What do you mean 'one leg?' What about his right leg!?  
  
Zephon: Oh, I gave it to Church's Chicken cause they thought it was a chicken leg.  
  
Kain: (glares) Another quarter idiot.  
  
Zephon: Uh-oh!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Zephon: I've ran out of quarters!  
  
Kain: Awww, and we were so close, too! Oh well, let's leave.  
  
Zephon: Okay.  
  
(then they left and Melchiah was yelling at them)  
  
Melchiah: Hey, get me out of here!! Once I escape I'll bite your kneecaps off!  
  
Baby vampire named AquaSword: Mommy, can I get the toy's head?  
  
(and so AquaSword nabbed Melchiah's head and left and it would take months till Kain found all of Melchiah's bits but during all this time everyone wondered how the hell did Melchiah get stuck inside the machine in the first place)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------  
  
(the scene is Kain's living room. Kain is watching TV but then a commercial  
  
comes on and Faustus is on it)  
  
Faustus (on TV): ...and we shall return to the show :That's My Taxidermy" right after this commercial.  
  
(Faustus is holding up some GatorAde and pouring it on him)  
  
Faustus: Yummy-yum-yum! And remember everyone: "Blood sucks, GatorAde's better!"  
  
(then the commercial ended. The scene is now much later on and Kain is lying in bed. We now see his dream. Kain is standing in front of his lieutenants)  
  
Kain: Hello my fellow lieutenants. I now have something to tell you.  
  
Raziel: Can I say something right quick?  
  
Kain: Sure.  
  
(then this weird noise is made and Raziel's head morphs into Faustus' head)  
  
Faustus head: Blood sucks, GatorAde's better! GatorAde isn't just healthier but it tastes better too.  
  
Kain: (almost in tears) No, you're slurping the wrong liquid from humans!  
  
Faustus' head: GatorAde.  
  
Kain: (really upset and shaking his head) Blood!  
  
Faustus' head: GatorAaaaaaaade.  
  
Kain: (upset) Blood!  
  
(then the rest of the lieutenants' heads turn into Faustus' head and they sing in unison)  
  
Faustus heads: Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks!  
  
Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks! It sucks! It sucks!  
  
(then Kain wakes up from his nightmare screaming and punches Raziel who came to check on him. Kain then feels better and goes back to bed)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------  
  
(the scene is now the Pillars. Kain walks out onto the Pillars but then notices there's something wrong with himself. Not only is Kain very small but he also has on and tiny red shirt and tiny red pants. He has white balls for hands and stick-figure feet. But his head and ears are enormous and he has pale skin again)  
  
Kain: (looks at himself) AHHHHHHHH!!  
  
(Kain closes his eyes then opens them again)  
  
Kain: AHHHHHH!! I look like a freakin' cartoon!!  
  
(then Raziel walks up to Kain. Raziel also looks like a cartoon. Raziel sees Kain and tries his best to hold back fits of laughter)  
  
Kain: WHAT THE HELLHOLE IS WRONG WITH ME!!?  
  
Raziel: You're fat and stupid?  
  
Kain: I don't mean that...I MEAN WHY THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE A CARTOON!?  
  
Raziel: (can't hold laughter anymore) Ahahahahahhaha! Oh, that's my fault, I couldn't help it!  
  
Kain: What the CRAP DO YOU MEAN!!  
  
Raziel: I put in the Cartoon Cheat! I just had to do it so I could see you like this! Ahahahaha!  
  
Kain: WHAT!? I'm going to KICK YOUR ASS!  
  
Raziel: Watch out, your giant head may weigh you down! Ahahahaha!  
  
Kain: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!?  
  
Raziel: You know, normally I'd be afraid of you and respect you but now...you're just so cuuute! You're so kawaii!  
  
Kain: Yaaah!  
  
(then Kain reaches for the Reaver but when he pulls it out, the Reaver blade is now a wooden tube)  
  
Kain: (shrieks like he's castrated)  
  
Raziel: (sees the wooden tube) AHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(Raziel is now on the ground rolling around in fits of laughter)  
  
Kain: First I'm a gay looking cartoon, but WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENED TO ME REAVER!!  
  
Raziel: I used the Tube Reaver Cheat! Now your Reaver blade is the Tube Reaver! Ahahaha!  
  
Kain: (mad twitch) I'm GONNA KILL YOU!!  
  
Raziel: Hahahaha! I really should be scared of you but you're just to kawaii! Hehehehe, and what're you gonna do, beat me with your Tube weapon? Hahahaha!  
  
Kain: Fear the Tube!  
  
(and so Kain was beating Raziel with the Tube Reaver but Raziel was laughing too hard at the cartoon-looking Kain with a Tube Reaver to notice the he was getting hit. Kain got mad and just stormed off and Raziel laughed himself to death)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
Hehe, you know the best part about that last sketch? Those are real cheat codes for Defiance! (Don't worry those of you who don't have Defiance yet, those codes weren't spoilers) I just don't see why the game comes out later in some countries, it isn't fair. Anyway, for those of you that have Defiance and for those of you who will get Defiance, to do the code where Kain looks like a weird cartoon, pause the game and input Up, Down, Up, Down, R1, R2, Down, Circle, Triangle. And to get the Tube Reaver pause the game and input Up, Down, Left, Right, R2, L2, Triangle, Down, Circle. Well, review if you liked! Oh, and I hope AquaSword didn't mind me using her as a vampire. 


	7. Skits 7

Disclaimer: I do not own LoK or its characters  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
((The scene is a place called Deep 13 and more accurately a DJ Station. Moebius walks up in very baggy black clothing with dark sunglasses and has a golden 'M' on a golden chain around his neck. A sign behind him says "On Air"))  
  
Moebius: Yo schnizzles mo fizzles, this bein' TV's Moebius the Rapper here to bedizzle yo dawgs!  
  
Kain (V.O.): Oh my God, what is Moebius doin...WHERE'S MY BODY!? THE HELL!? Razzmataz, come here!  
  
Raziel (V.O.): What's up Kain?  
  
Kain (V.O.): What the hell did you do this time!? How come we're just disembodied voices watching TV's Moebius rap!?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Oh, we must be suffering the Elder God Effect. That's where you're a disembodied voice for a certain length of time.  
  
Kain (V.O.): Razzmataz, you utter cretin. Can anyone hear us? Can TV's Moebius hear us?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Nope.  
  
Moebius: Yo fizznizz listners out dare, how yo enjoyin da rappin? It's super tight yo dizzle-ca-nizzle sizzle dawgs!!  
  
Kain (V.O.): (heavy sigh) Oh no, do we have to listen to TV's Moebius talk like he's on drugs?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): (nervous laugh) Wow, TV's Moebius is bad at what he does.  
  
Moebius: Yo kizzle-ma-tizzles, watcha wanna hear from TV's Moebius aka Da Love?  
  
Kain (V.O.): Oh, someone please make TV's Moebius shut up!  
  
Raziel (V.O.): What the hell is TV's Moebius talking about anyway? I'll do anything just to make him shut up.  
  
Moebius: Yo rizzle-co-flizzle no-dizzle-fla-bizzle, watcha yo wanna wizzle to?  
  
Kain (V.O.): So let me get this right. To be a rapper all you gotta do is say a bunch of words that ends in -izzle?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Sure looks like it.  
  
Moebius: Yo big daaaaaaaaaaaawgs, yo wanna hear my shlizzlin rapping? Yo dawgz, yaw needa witness the klizznezz rapping from me!  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Is he about to start singing? No Moebius, please, no don't, please.  
  
Moebius: (in a screeching singing voice) Yo dawg, sho dawg, po dawg, lo dawg, gonna hizzle my dizzle YO DAWG!  
  
Kain (V.O.): Ow, ow, ow, ow, I'm pretty sure having crabs would be better than hearing more of this. Ow.  
  
Moebius: I be kizzlin dizzlin lizzin dizzin, mo BIZZIN!! (normal voice) How'd yo dawgs like my sowng?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): I didn't understand a single damn word of that, yet I still didn't like it.  
  
(then Mortanius walks into the scene. Mortanius is dressed mostly the same as always, except he's got on a baseball cap backward. He came in, hugged Moebius, then stood in front of the microphone)  
  
Moebius: YO, momizzle kabibble, look who we got here! It's Mortanius aka Donald Love! He's my other boy in da crib!!  
  
Mortanius: (in his radio voice that sounds mysteriously like Urkel's) Yo my peeps, what's gonna down in Groove Town!  
  
Moebius: Groove town!? Dis is shizzle town!  
  
Mortanius: Oh you!! Hahahaha, I love this man! (points at Moebius)  
  
Raziel (V.O.): You know, I think heroine has started to infect the circle. And Kain, I'll give you three guesses to find out which two people it's infected the most.  
  
Mortanius: How would yo dawgs like some good old-fashioned choir?  
  
Moebius: That be the bizz man!  
  
Kain (V.O.): OH NO, THEY'RE GONNA SING AGAIN!! Raziel, please give me a colonic irrigation. Anything to take my mind off of their singing.  
  
Moebius: I'm too sexy fo my shirt, too sexy fo my shirt, so sexy it hurts!  
  
(Moebius takes off his shirt)  
  
Kain (V.O.): OH MY GOD!!  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Hey Kain, if I run out of vomit, can I borrow yours?  
  
Mortanius: He's too sexy fo his belt, too sexy fo his belt, sexy it hurts!  
  
(Moebius removes his belt)  
  
Kain (V.O.): THE HELL IS HE GONNA REMOVE NEXT!?  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Oh my God no!!!  
  
Kain (V.O.): He's as ugly as Britney Spears' nose!  
  
Raziel (V.O.): My god that's bad! Please stop!  
  
Moebius: I'm too sexy fo my-  
  
(a light blips)  
  
Moebius: Oh, so sorry my klizznizz jibbos, looks like TV's Moebius won't be able to finish his plizznizz dance!  
  
Mortanius: Aw darn!  
  
Moebius: Well, dis is the plizznizz TV's Moebius signing off. See you next time dawgs!  
  
(the "Off Air" sign comes on)  
  
Moebius: Well, let's go get something to eat Mortanius.  
  
Mortanius: Of course He of Fair Eyes!  
  
(they both leave)  
  
Kain (V.O.): Razzmataz, as soon as we have are bodies body when we recover from this Elder God disease, get a hacksaw.  
  
Raziel (V.O.): Why?  
  
Kain (V.O.): Oh, let's just say that Moebius is REALLY gonna regret what he's done to us.  
  
(and a few days later, after Kain and Raziel recovered from their disease, Nosgoth's Christmas Tree had a shiny new ornament on it)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
((The scene is inside an empty studio. The lieutenants minus Raziel are all there. Kain isn't there either. A few moments later, Raziel is dragging Kain into the studio))  
  
Kain: What is it? Was this really serious? I was watching "Touched By An Uncle."  
  
Raziel: Just look.  
  
(Zephon was dressed as a chicken, Dumah was on purple spandex with a pair of underwear as a hat, Melchiah has on a blue shirt with "NG" written on it, Turel had a silver cone covering his head, and Rahab was laying back on a chair and has a beer belly)  
  
Kain: ?  
  
Raziel: ...  
  
Kain: The Hell!?  
  
Raziel: They think they're superheroes.  
  
Kain: When I raised you six lieutenants, where were y'all when I was handing out brains?  
  
Zephon: I'm a superhero!  
  
Kain: Of course.  
  
Dumah: (PO'ed voice) Your supposed to read roll call you boob!  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes) Why am I going along with this?  
  
Dumah: Read roll call you dip-dong!!  
  
Kain: Raziel, one more word out of you and you're grounded!  
  
Raziel: Don't start that again!  
  
Kain: (reads roll call) Zephon?  
  
Zephon: Here!  
  
Kain: And you are?  
  
Zephon: I am Run Away From Danger Man!  
  
(Zephon points to a tick that's on the ground)  
  
Zephon: Is that a tick!? It could be dangerous! Quick someone, call a superhero! Ahhh!!  
  
(then Zephon ran away)  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes) This is gonna be a long day. What are you Dumah?  
  
Dumah: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM YOU DEATH-SMELLING FAT OLD BASTARD!?  
  
Raziel: Dumah is Captain Anal.  
  
Dumah: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU BLUE TOOTHPICK PRICK!!  
  
Kain: (facing Dumah) Oh no...Dumah you utter prat.  
  
Dumah: OH YEAH!? WELL SAY THAT TO MY FACE!!  
  
Kain: I'm right in front of you ya fat moron!  
  
Dumah: OH YEAH!? WELL I'M GONNA GET YOU A STEPLADDER SO YOU CAN JUMP UP MY BUTT!  
  
(Dumah then storms off)  
  
Kain: Alright, who are you Turel?  
  
Turel: I am Suppository Man! My superpower is to-  
  
Kain: NO, say no more! I think we all know what your superpower is you nasty  
  
weirdo. (Kain checks the list) Melchiah, what are you?  
  
Melchiah: I am Normal Guy!! I am really normal in all regards!!  
  
Kain: What the--? Then what the hell is your super power!?  
  
Melchiah: The power to scare my enemies into thinking that I have super powers!  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes) How many are left? (checks list) Good. Just one. Rahab, what are you?  
  
Rahab: Do Nothing Man!  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiiight...  
  
Rahab: My super power is the ability to do nothing! Once, when the world needed me to order pizza on a telephone to save the world, I embraced my ability by doing nothing and everyone was absolutely thrilled. I'm so proud!  
  
Kain: (heavy sigh) My pathetic, retarded lieutenants...  
  
Turel: So, what is our mission? If you've got a pain in the butt, then I'm your man!  
  
Kain: (twitch) I'm-I'm just gonna continue watching "Touched By An Uncle."  
  
(then Kain walks away muttering about retarded sons)  
  
Melchiah: Now who's gonna give us missions so I can sit on my butt?  
  
(Zephon pokes his head in)  
  
Zephon: Is it safe?  
  
Turel: Yeah.  
  
(Zephon goes to sit on the chair but then stops)  
  
Zephon: Ah! That chair might be poisonous! Or that chair could be a monster in disguise! Ah!  
  
(then Zephon runs away)  
  
Raziel: How come Kain likes all you weirdoes more than me?  
  
(outside, Dumah aka Captain Anal, is taking his frustration out on the sky by throwing a grenade straight over him at the sky. Unfortunately he neglected to think about the laws of gravity: What goes up must come back down)  
  
Dumah: Uh-oh.  
  
(BOOM!!)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
So sorry about the looooooong delay but I had a little bit of trouble coming up with the second skit, but I think this turned out rather well. I will not update till I get 10 reviews...NOT! It'll only take 1 review, heck, I'll update this even if I get no reviews cause this is the most fun I've ever had writing since Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1! Until next time... 


	8. What's with all this dead people stuff?

Disclaimer: I do NOT own LoK or its characters _________________________________________________________________  
  
(the scene is the Kain and Janos show where they help addicted people! Kain and Janos are sitting next to each other)  
  
Janos: Hello, I'm Janos and that's Kain! And welcome to our show!  
  
Kain: For the uninitiated, in our show we help recovering addicts in helping them quit their addictions!  
  
Janos: Yes, that is true! And today's guest is.........Vorador!  
  
(Vorador walks onto the set)  
  
Kain: We can tell that Vorador is very excited to be here!  
  
Vorador: Shove off! Let's just get this crap done with!  
  
Kain: Okay Vorry, what's your addiction?  
  
Vorador: I am addicted to dirty thoughts and I am trying to control them. I've had to many dirty thoughts lately.  
  
Janos: So, what's the best you've done?  
  
Vorador: I've gone two weeks without a single dirty thought.  
  
Kain: (evil grin) You mean dirty thoughts like girls bouncing up and down?  
  
Vorador: Shut up.  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Or dirty thought like wet t-shirt contests?  
  
Vorador: Shut up.  
  
Kain: (evil grin) You know, this is fun!  
  
(Janos is the nice guy so he tries to steer the conversation away)  
  
Janos: I'm so proud of you for all your hard work Vorador!  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Hehe. "Hard."  
  
Vorador: Kain, I'll kick your ass if you don't shut up!  
  
Kain: Anyway, we've brought over a special guest especially for this occasion so she can meet Vorador!  
  
Janos: We brought over a special guest for a special guest? Why didn't you tell me?  
  
Kain: I guess it's cause you're just not important enough. Come in our special guest!  
  
(Ariel enters and she has just come back from a wet t-shirt contest)  
  
Kain: Here is a wet shirted Ariel!  
  
Ariel: Thank you for letting me come Kain.  
  
Vorador: (muttering) I hate you Kain.  
  
Janos: (sees Ariel) O__O  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Oh Ariel, why don't you tell our special guest what your hobby is? Why don't you tell our special guest Vorador, who is trying to abandon his dirty thoughts addiction, what it is that you collect?  
  
Ariel: Alright! (turns to Vorador) Wanna know why hobby?  
  
Vorador: (shifty eyed) Yes.........  
  
Ariel: Nobs!  
  
Janos: O__O  
  
Vorador: O__O  
  
Kain: (evil grin) See, no innuendo in that.  
  
Ariel: I collect nobs! Door nobs, TV nobs, car door nobs! I just love the texture of nobs!  
  
Kain: (evil grin) The nobs you're talking about is spelled with a 'K.'  
  
Ariel: Alright. I am just obsessed with nobs! In fact, I wish I had a nob!  
  
Kain: (stares at Vorador with an evil grin)  
  
Vorador: Kain, as soon as this show is over and there's no one else here except for you and me, I'll kick you square in your wibbly-wobblies.  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Now Ariel, do you think Vorador is brave for struggling with losing this addiction?  
  
Ariel: Oh yes! In fact, if bravery was a nob, then he'd have a great nob! I wish I had nobs!  
  
Vorador: O__O  
  
Janos: (nervous sweatdrop)  
  
Ariel: How can you not like nobs!? You can twist and turn a nob! Vorador, do you have any nobs!?  
  
Vorador: O__O Huh!?  
  
Ariel: Do you have any nobs? I mean, your large mansion has got to have several nobs!  
  
(Janos has decided to rest his head on his hand)  
  
Vorador: Um.........uh.........yeah, I have more than one nob.  
  
(upon hearing this, Janos' arm wiggles throwing him off balance)  
  
Kain: (evil grin) I can honestly say this has been fun, but you'll have to leave now Ariel, time's up.  
  
Ariel: Ooh, it is? Awww, I was so hoping to get a hold of Vorador's nobs!  
  
Vorador: O__O  
  
Kain: I'm sorry, but thanks for being here! Bye bye!  
  
Ariel: Okay, bye bye! Next time you bring Vorador I can tell him about my obsession with melons!  
  
Vorador: O__O  
  
(Ariel leaves and Kain still has an evil grin on his face)  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Now I'm sure that we have helped you Vorador.  
  
Vorador: AFTER THE SHOW I SWEAR I'LL KICK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR WIBBLY- WOBBLIES!!  
  
(then Vorador stormed out)  
  
Kain: Heeheehee, that was fun!  
  
Janos: Wow, I need to go home right quick!  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Janos: To get my nobs! I also have a nob collection!  
  
Kain: T__T  
  
Janos: Me and Ariel have something in common: We both love nobs!  
  
(Kain now picks up his chair and scoots about 5 feet away from Janos)  
  
Kain: Now, let's continue.  
  
Janos: Yes my homophobic friend!  
  
Kain: Next up, we have fan-girls who need to get over their addiction with dead people!  
  
Janos: Fan-girls obsessed with dead people?  
  
Kain: Yep, they're obsessed with us!  
  
Janos: But isn't that illegal?  
  
Kain: Anyway, here's our second special guest, Raziel!  
  
(Raziel runs onto the stage excited)  
  
Raziel: Where's the walrus on the trampoline that you said was here!?  
  
Kain: There is none.  
  
Raziel: But I LOVE seeing walrusii on trampolines! What is here?  
  
Janos: By the way Razzmataz, do you have any nobs I could have?  
  
Raziel: O__T  
  
Kain: Alright, let's let our next batch of people in.  
  
Raziel: Don't tell me.........  
  
(tons of fan-girls rush in and are all excited)  
  
HealerAriel: Oh my god, it's Razzy!  
  
Angel-chan2: It's Razzy, we get to squeeze him!!  
  
Raziel: Oh no! Kain you utter twinky-bastard! I hate fan-girls, they squeeze my eyeballs out!  
  
Kain: (evil grin)  
  
AquaSword: (evil laugh) It's Kain! He's mine!  
  
Dark-Sephy: No, Kain's MINE!  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Oh Janos, why don't you tell these fan-girls why they're here? As a favor?  
  
Janos: Fan-girls, you are here because you need to get over your addiction to us.  
  
Angel-chan2: WHAT!?  
  
Janos: You see, we're dead. So if you hug us and squeeze us and are in love  
  
with us, it is illegal cause we're dead.  
  
AquaSword: So what!?  
  
HealerAriel: Yeah, so what if you're dead! We won't let such a small and insignificant problem like that come between our love!!  
  
Janos: But us being dead is a BIG problem!  
  
Dark-Sephy: You know, I think Janos is TRYING to stop us! Let's get him!  
  
Janos: (small, squeaky voice) Uh-oh.  
  
Fan-girls: Let's get him!!  
  
(so then the fan-girls run after Janos and HealerAriel and Angel-chan2 snatch Raziel as well hoping no one would notice. 3 hours later Kain is in the studio with a satisfied evil grin and Janos is in all sorts of bandages and has all sorts of broken bones)  
  
Kain: This show's fun! Well, it looks like we've run outta time, so until next time.........  
  
Janos: Owie.........  
  
Kain: Heh, sometimes I amaze even myself.  
  
Janos: That's the last time I do a favor for you.  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
(the scene is a kindergarten room, devoid of little kids. The kindergarten teacher is Rahab.........)  
  
Kain VO: Who, unfortunately, can't tell his balls from his elbows.  
  
(.........and Rahab also happens to be rather smart.........)  
  
Kain VO: Actually, he doesn't even have a hint of a brain, so it would be better to decapitate him, scoop out the insides, and use his head as a vase.  
  
(.........Kain, do you have to be bitter about everyone? Or are you just racist?)  
  
Kain: Hey, I resent that! I am not racist, I hate everyone regardless of other issues!  
  
(.........now let's get on with this. You see, right now the kindergarten class is learning about positive thinking, so Rahab, who is the teacher, has invited a guest speaker over who's known as Positive Dumah. In other words, Dumah is a positive-thinking counselor)  
  
Kain VO: Not to mention a total dickhead.  
  
(Kain, do you want to be killed and served in the school's cafeteria?)  
  
Kain VO: No.  
  
(then shut up! You do live with Umah you know, who, by the way, is training to become a dominatrix)  
  
Kain VO: What!?  
  
(good. Now let's get on with the next of this disturbing skit. Rahab is sitting at the desk thinking of what other activities the little kids would do after Dumah's Positivity speech. Right now the kids are at lunch. Dumah enters and he's wearing a badger costume)  
  
Dumah: Hey, it's me, Dumah the Positive Badger!!  
  
Rahab: Ah, welcome Mr. Dumah, I understand that you're gonna give your positivity speech?  
  
Dumah: Yessiree, and why? Because I'm one positive badger! I'm so positive that if someone beat my tongue with a croquet hoop, I'd just laugh!~  
  
Rahab: .........I guess that's a good sign. Listen Mr. Dumah the Positive Badger,  
  
we will go ahead and rehearse your little speech before the kids get here. I will tell you the subject and you'll tell the positive side-effects, thus giving the little kids hope. You got that?  
  
Dumah: Well, shucks-aroo, I do! Hehehe!  
  
Rahab: Okay, our first subject is Death. (Rahab now begins talking as if the kids were in the room) Death happens to everybody and is very often thought of in a negative light, as if there's no hope. But that's why we have Dumah the Positive Badger here to help us! Surely, Dumah there are positive things about death!  
  
Dumah: (also talks as if the kids are in the room) Absolutely Rahab. For example, death may seem negative, but think of all the good things about it! For example, you might inherit A LOT of money and become extremely rich.........  
  
Rahab: (nods head in agreement)  
  
Dumah: .........or you might find release from restrictions.........  
  
Rahab: (nods head)  
  
Dumah: .........or now once the dead person is buried, you can visit their grave everyday and talk to them and always be able to visit them and re-live memories.........  
  
Rahab: (nods in agreement)  
  
Dumah: .........or, best of all, you can have sex with the dead bodies!! C'mon, is there anything better than sexually assaulting a dead person!? If so, I wanna know what!  
  
Rahab: O__O  
  
Dumah: Yes, now that they're dead you can have sex with them all you want!  
  
Rahab: (nervous cough of disbelief) Ahem.........uh.........um.........let's change the subject. Let's say your house has been destroyed.  
  
Dumah: Another good one! There are many positive things about that! For example, now you can live in a tent in the great outdoors as Mother Nature intended.........  
  
Rahab: (nods)  
  
Dumah: .........or you can be like Walden and discover all the beautiful things about nature and keep it from being despoiled.........  
  
Rahab: (nods)  
  
Dumah: .........or you can wonder around the graveyards and hang out with the dead people before you have sex with them!  
  
Rahab: T__T Um, Dumah, can you please STOP TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH DEAD PEOPLE!! It's revolting!  
  
Dumah: But it's romantic!  
  
Rahab: There's nothing romantic about having sex with dead people!  
  
Dumah: Oh come on, people in Nosgothian south probably do it all the time!  
  
Rahab: T__T  
  
Dumah: I know! I can sing a song! It's called "Me and My Dead Person Love."  
  
Don't you think that would be cool?  
  
Rahab: Oh my god, you sick bastard!! Security!  
  
(Concept of a Demon and an android named KOS-MOS enter)  
  
Rahab: This guys feeling on dead people!  
  
COAD: You sick weirdo!  
  
(and so KOS-MOS and COAD starts beating Dumah the Positive Badger over the head with billy-clubs and they drag him out)  
  
Rahab: (while flexing his muscles and bending out his elbows) Thank god for  
  
that, I was about to have to smack him with my balls!  
  
Kain VO: See, I told you he's retarded.  
  
(Shut up)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
Wow, this chapter had a lot to do with dead people! I didn't even plan it to be that way either! It just sort of happened. Oh, and in the next chapter of weird skits, Raziel has just received the Shift ability from Melchiah then later Raziel tries to order a Super-Sized meal at McDonald's and if this isn't too long then the ToothFairy will makes its appearance! And before I go, I meant to do Review-Response last chapter but forgot so I'll do 2 chapters worth now.  
  
Chapter 6:  
  
AquaSword: Yeah, everyone like's the cartoon Kain! He looks kinda weird as a cartoon in Defiance and when he shifts through things, he kinda tap- dances through them. Weird but hilarious to watch.  
  
Concept of a Demon: How'd you guess? One of the best parts of the movie just had to be done here!  
  
Dark-Sephy: Yes, that kid somehow getting trapped inside the toy machine was the inspiration! How in the world can you get inside one of those machines anyhow?  
  
Angel-chan2: I am glad you really seem to like this! The funny thing is, he really says "Fear the tube!" when you put in the cheat.  
  
HealerAriel: Ooh, a pretty famous author has reviewed my fic? Thanks! Kain is one of those people that you can enjoy evilness from!  
  
Chapter 7:  
  
AquaSword: Yep, Moebius is REALLY bad a rapping. But you know, to be a rapper you really DO seem to only have to say stuff that makes no sense! Thanks for the review!  
  
Angel-chan2: Yay, another returning reviewer! I don't know where I come up with this stuff, I think I mostly get inspiration from TV. Oh, and the superheroes will return!  
  
HealerAriel: Thank you, you're probably the fourth or fifth person that's told me that. Yep, I'm an under appreciated author (mocks tears of sadness). I myself thinks that I get enough reviews though, I'm satisfied. About I Love Meat! And Kain Presents, I'll update them when I can but I've currently hit a creative snag. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Concept of a Demon: Ah, my faithful insane COAD who reviews just about everything LoK thing I put up, thanks again for reviewing! Oh, and I thought you'd enjoy beating up Dumah with a billy-club!  
  
Well, now that I've got that out of the way, there's only one more thing to do. And that's something little ad for you to read to remember!  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
(The scene is a Chinese Restaurant named Shoegun. Inside the various lieutenants are cooking various things for various vampires)  
  
Marcus VO: Why don't you stop in at Marcus' Shoegun! There's tons of exciting food to eat at my Chinese restaurant!  
  
(the scene shifts to Melchiah. There's a plate on the table that he behind and tons of vampires are watching him juggle knives while simultaneous cutting food with the knives like Chinese chefs would do)  
  
Melchiah: (smart looking smile)  
  
(unfortunately the smart looking smile doesn't last long as he ends up cutting his fingers off)  
  
Vampire Dean Earwicker: (points to Melchiah's fingers) Ooh, chicken fingers!  
  
(then we cut to Dumah whose throwing eggs in the air and trying to catch them with his spatula. He is entertaining a happy vampire family. Then an egg misses the spatula and Dumah snaps)  
  
Dumah: Egg, you stupid SON OF A ***** *** **** in a ***** bi***y bas**** in a nutshell with **** ****** by way of **** in a fu**ing dippy-sh**y punky little ***** by some zon****!  
  
Vampire Father: What's a zon****?  
  
Vampire Mother: (shrugs)  
  
(then the scene shifts to Zephon. He's grilling a.........kebab?)  
  
Zephon: Yep!  
  
(but a kebab isn't Chinese)  
  
Zephon: Oh. I screwed up!! Waaaaah! OH WHAT A WORLD!  
  
(then Zephon falls on the grill's fire and Zephon's on fire)  
  
Zephon: Whoa, sonofabitch, I'm on fire! Ahh!  
  
Marcus: Ahem, uh, eh, well just come to Marcus' Shoegun Chinese Restaurant!  
  
It's the best Chinese restaurant in town!  
  
Random Vampire: This food sucks!  
  
Marcus: Okay, it's the ONLY Chinese restaurant.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
This turned out longer than expected. Please review! 


	9. Skits Season 2!

Raziel: Da da da da da da, it's the Razzy show, starring me, I'm Raz! It's the Razzy show and the author doesn't own crap, da da da da da da!  
  
MortalSora: That was quite inventive.

* * *

Raziel: Thank you.  
  
(just to bring you up to speed, Raziel has just lured Melchiah...)  
  
Kain V.O.: Who looks like a slobbering bulldog.  
  
(Hey! Don't you say th-you know, you're right. Anyway, Raziel just led Melchiah into his pin that had the spikes above it...)  
  
Kain V.O.: A bit of a stupid purchase if you think about it. I mean, what the hell would he do with a rotating spike thingy above his pin?  
  
Melchiah: Ah, I've eaten many a delicious Jehova's Vampires with that thing.  
  
(Hey, you're supposed to be dead! Anyway, Raziel has just killed him and eaten his soul)  
  
Elder God: Raziel, by inheriting Melchiah's soul you can now shift through barriers—  
  
Raziel: Wow, neat!  
  
Elder God: Wait, Raziel!  
  
(then, in a fever of excitement, Raziel went charging headfirst into Melchiah's cage thing. A loud, hollow bonk was heard throughout Nosgoth)  
  
Elder God: You idiot! You gotta be in Spectral first!  
  
Raziel: (in whinny voice) You could've told me that before!  
  
(well, it turns out Raziel got his head stuck in between two of the bars. He figured this out when he tried to remove his head)  
  
Raziel: Uh-oh.  
  
Elder God: What's wrong?  
  
Raziel: My head's stuck!  
  
Elder God: Huh?  
  
Raziel: My head is stuck!  
  
Elder God: What?  
  
Raziel: My head's stuck!!  
  
Elder God: Your head's stuck?  
  
Raziel: Yes, my head is stuck!! Stuck is my head, my stuck head is!! IS.HEAD.STUCK.MY! Which one of those words don't you understand!?  
  
Elder God: Um.........I understand all of those words.  
  
Raziel: Then you see that there's a PROBLEM! You ignoramus!  
  
Elder God: Don't worry. I'll help.  
  
(then Kain teleports in, walks over to the cage, and then eloquently chooses the next words he'll say:)  
  
Kain: Razzmatazz, what the hell are you doing?  
  
Elder God: Apparently he was pogo-sticking blindly across the room when he got stuck.  
  
Kain: Ooh, I know how to unstuck a head! I'll be right back!  
  
(then Kain teleported away)  
  
Raziel: I'm really beginning to hate my unlife.  
  
Elder God: Don't worry, I'm sure Kain knows what he's doing.  
  
(Kain teleports back in and he's carrying a bag)  
  
Kain: Aha! I got you some stuff to unstuck you with!  
  
Raziel: Great! What'd you get?  
  
Kain: (pulls something out of bag) A screwdriver!  
  
Raziel: What for!?  
  
Kain: I don't know. To screw drive things?  
  
(Kain starts trying to screw drive to bars but nothing happens)  
  
Raziel: (irritated) What else did you bring?  
  
Kain: Glue!  
  
Raziel: What-!?  
  
Kain: (takes out a pencil sharpener) A pencil sharpener?  
  
Raziel: Gee, what a BAD IDEA!  
  
Kain: (takes something else out) I got you some trousers!  
  
Raziel: Trousers!? Why?  
  
Kain I don't know, so you can put them on? I can never get these trousers things to work right. Maybe I'm putting them in the wrong arm or—  
  
Raziel: WILL YOU SHUT THE CRAP UP AND HELP MEEEEEEE?  
  
Kain: I know what will unstuck your head!  
  
(Kain pulls out motor oil and rubs it on Raziel's face)  
  
Raziel: Motor oil? I don't have engine troubles!  
  
Kain: Kain Kick!  
  
(so Kain took a running leap at Raziel. Unfortunately, due to kain's very poor aiming, Kain landed right beside Raziel headfirst and now had his head stuck in the opposite side of the fence)  
  
Raziel: (clearly unhappy) .........  
  
Kain: .........  
  
Raziel: .........  
  
Kain: .........dahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Raziel: (fuming) What is so funny?  
  
Kain: Ehehehehehe! Ain't it ironic!? You got your head stuck and I came all the way out here to help unstuck your head, and MY head ends up getting stuck too! Gahahahaha, you gotta admit, this is classic!  
  
(a look of intense anger flooded Raziel's face as his moronic dad kept laughing. Soon though, Kain begun to understand the situation)  
  
Kain: Good feelings gone. Waaaaaaah!  
  
(then a light bulb comes on over Kain's head)  
  
Kain: Wait a minute! My belly button's an out-y!  
  
Raziel: ?  
  
Kain: I can use my out-y belly button to tie a knot around the bars and bend them!  
  
(then Raziel proceeded to bash the sides of his head against the bars hoping to be knocked out unconscious. The Elder God just proceeded to look smug knowing that by the time Raziel realized all he had to do is shift realms to escape, he'd be so embarrassed that he'd curse the Elder out. And what is sweeter than that?)

* * *

Mortanius' Voice: This week on the Oxymoron channel, make sure not to miss the next exciting episode of "Kaina: Warrior Princess!"  
  
Opening credits for Kaina: Warrior Princess starts. Some really bad music as played as we see Kain put on pantyhosii (plural of pantyhose). Then Kain puts on some cleavage revealing armor, despite Kain having hardly any bust at all. Then the credits move up to Kain.  
  
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina is played by the actor Kain!  
  
Then the credits zoom to Dumah, whose disturbingly enough in a skirt and what can best be described at a medieval tank top that reveals his bust also, but I won't give details on that.  
  
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina's sidekick Gabrielle is played by the semi-actor semi-moron Dumah!  
  
Then the credits show clips from the show, like when Kaina ran around fighting zombies who have the fastest feet in the world, the body of Hercules, and a certain horse part. Then we see Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) running around fighting off the "Holy Spider Beast of Spinziar" and we see Kaina obtaining the "Dark Shield of Lucifari" and we see Kaina wielding the "Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia" and other weirdly named objects while we see Gabrielle (Dumah) just running around and jumping up and down.  
  
Mortanius' Voice: Tonight espisode: "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!!" in which Kaina Warrior Princess must acquire the "Sacred Shield of Herpes" and Gabrielle (Dumah) must rescue the Princess of Gorbilla from a fatal sacrafice!  
  
The scene fades out and then fades in to reveal Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) talking to an old guy, probably someone with a clue!  
  
Mortanius' Voice: We join our story already in progress.  
  
Kaina peers into the old man's eyes and makes sure to bend towards him. Gabrielle (Dumah) is just sitting back playing with her hair.  
  
Kaina: Old man, I must know, what is your name?  
  
Old Man: My name is Ack'Aghhhhh'Khackkk'Khackkki'Ackkkkhi'Khahh.  
  
Kaina: .........  
  
Ack (for short): I am the Holy Keeper of the Shrizack Armor. I was told by my mentor that I would be visited by you.  
  
Kaina: Who was your mentor?  
  
Ack: His name was Aaaaayaaaah'Khaaaa'Kkkkkkkkyac'Hashakhaaaa'Khaaaha. He was the former Wielder of Shrizack Armor.  
  
Kaina looks over to Gabrielle (Dumah) with a look of excitement in her eyes. Somehow Kaina found this little talk to be exciting.  
  
Kaina: Gabrielle (Dumah), this old man named Ack knows where we can find the prophesized "Sacred Shield of Herpes!"  
  
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!  
  
Ack: Um, Kaina, the 'H' in the Shield of Herpes is silent.  
  
Kaina: Come old man, where shall I find this shield?  
  
Ack: I'm not old, I'm just 97! To claim the Shield of Herpes, you must climb the Mountain of Bristole, cross the dangerous Rickety Bridge of Unhopefulness, then you must ride the perilous Boat of Slipperyness, then you will arrive at the Cave of Morgolius, where you must defeat the bearer of the shield, King BigMcLargeHuge!  
  
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!  
  
Kaina: Come Gabrielle (Dumah), we must away!  
  
Then Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) run away. Then, just for a crappy plot twist, BigMcLargeHuge appears behind Ack and then slays him! As Ack screamed in pain, Kaina just thought Ack was calling out his name so she didn't know he was actually dying. So Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) climbed the Mountain of Bristole.........but not al was as it seemed!  
  
Kaina: (huff) (huff) Pantyhose are itchy.........  
  
Gabrielle (Dumah): Wait Kaina! Listen. Do you hear that?  
  
It turns out that the busty sidekick was right as someone was following them! But who could it be?  
  
Kaina: By the name of Kaina Warrior Princess, show yourself fiend!  
  
It turned out that the Asain fighter, Mister Lao was who was stalking them! Mister Lao whipped out the two Swords of Xanthion!  
  
Kaina: Oh, it's the Swords of Xanthion!  
  
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!  
  
Kaina: Come now Gabrielle (Dumah), let us fight him!  
  
Mister Lao: Ah hah! You cannot defeat me, you shall become part of the circus of Mister Lao!  
  
Then, to try and look cool, Kaina also whipped out her sword, the Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia, and wielding the Dark Shield of Lucifari. Gabrielle (Dumah) whipped out a lead pipe. Kaina motioned for Gabrielle (Dumah) to follow her and she let out her famous war cry.  
  
Kaina: Lalalalalalala!  
  
Then when Kaina lunged at Mister Lao, he flew up into the air thanks to his trusty "Prop Strings of Aries"!  
  
Mister Lao: Swing me that way Trusty Strings!  
  
And then every time Kaina struck at Mister Lao, his Trusty Strings flew him the other way! Oh no, what can she do!?  
  
Kaina: I must find some way to defeat him!  
  
Kaina turned to Gabrielle, who was just sitting there watching.  
  
Kaina: Well, aren't you go do something!?  
  
Gabrielle (Dumah): Um.........do you see my breasts?  
  
Kaina: Stupid sidekick!  
  
Mortanius' Voice: On no! What's gonna happen? What will Kaina do? Will she ever claim the Sacred Shield of Herpes? Find out in "Kaina: Warrior Princess" episode "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!! Part 2!"

* * *

Well, unlike the Star Trek spoof, I'll probably continue this one. Anyway, sorry for the LOOOOOONG lapse in updates, it's just for months I ran completely out of ideas, but then, all of a sudden, I get dozens of them at once! Hopefully I can update soon! I felt really good about this chapter, especially the Xena parody. Onto the review responds!  
  
Concept of a Demon: Yep, that's Dumah for you, a sick weirdo. He's pretty dumb too, who just stands in a furnace?  
  
AquaSword: You know, Marcus is also a door-to-door salesman, and he just doesn't stop till he's sold some junk. As for Dumah, well, he's been hangin' around Kain too long (Kain's really accident-prone so Dumah hears Kain cussing a lot. I didn't even know there is a cussword that begins with zon-)  
  
HealerAriel: Yes, I believe I am a sir. At least, that's what the insane voices in my head tell me. C'mon you are famous! You admire my work? Wow, thanks! It's good to have fans and banana pudding will likely return!  
  
ShadesOfBlood: Hey, it's a miracle, I finally wrote more!  
  
Marina's Myst: Hey, don't worry, you'll be hosing Nosgothic Chatterbox whenever I write that. Insult you? Never! You're one of my best friends! I think that Vonnis and Vorador would get along VERY well! (reason I'm only responding to this one is cause it's the latest chapter review)  
  
Omega XSabre: Don't worry, you don't annoy me! I live in Alabama (USA), where it's always hot as hell. Don't worry, if I ever need Kain beaten I'll invite you!  
  
Lovecraft151: Hey, of you want you can be in a future chapter. Hope you continue to enjoy these 'skits.'  
  
Before I go, I wonder why in shows like Xena they have such weird names for things? Guess it's like what Joel from MST3000 said once: 'They give ordinary, every-day items big names to make them sound cool!' And here's one last little skit to leave with. See ya!

* * *

Faustus: Help me, I need a friendly stripper for my party, the kind of stripper that people of all ages can enjoy!  
  
Announcer (Elder): Well, if you've ever needed a friendly stripper, your prayers are answered. Introducing Moebius the Friendly Stripper! Invite Moebius to your party and it'll be a party they'll never forget! Let's talk to some satisfied customers!  
  
Faustus: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my party and then the party was sooooo super! Thanks Moebius!  
  
Ariel: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my bachelor's party and now I NEVER have trouble throwing up! Thanks Moebius!  
  
Elder: So, if you ever want to have Moebius show up at your party, call 1- 800-MOEBIUS-STRIP. That's 1-800-MOEBIUS-STRIP! _Call today!_


	10. Season 2: The Skits That Will Fit In You...

MortalSora: Welcome to the Season 2 disclaimer! It's the exact damn thing as Season 1's only now it's the second one!

Raziel: Huh?

* * *

We open up our scene at the Pillars where Dumah, Zephon, Rahab, and Turel are all playing some sort of weird card game. Turel faced Dumah.

Turel: Have you got any 3's?

Dumah: Go Fish.

So Turel punched Zephon in the face and Zephon just kept looking at his cards afterwards. Dumah looked to Rahab.

Dumah: Hey Rahab, you got any seventy-levens?

Rahab: Go Fish.

So Dumah then punched Zephon in the face and Zephon was alright with it. Apparently it was a rule. Don't ask me what the hell kind of card game they're playing cause I don't know. Just then they heard what sounded like a woman's scream.

Kain's Voice: G'aahhhhhhhh!

Zephon: The hell was that!?

Then Kain came running into view quickly and was standing in front of the four lieutenants with a look of worry on his face so much as if you thought he had just created a paradox that led to stepping into a Hylden trap! They obviously noticed his worried look.

Rahab: Kain, what's wrong?

Kain: I HAVE A GRAY HAIR!!

They all just blinked at him. They would have shed an anime sweatdrop, but that would burn them and just make them look stupid. Except Dumah. He already looks stupid.

Rahab: Um...Kain...I don't know how to tell you this but...all of your hair is white.

Kain: G'ahhhhhhhhhh!

Turel: Yeah, and you shed at an incredible rate!

What Turel said is true, because they used to have a nice red couch, but now it's entirely covered in white vampire hair.

Rahab: That stuff's hell to get out.

Dumah: I think you're getting old.

Kain: No!! No!!! I'll show you!

So Kain stomped away to get a little mirror. He looked into the mirror and noticed something: he has a wrinkle! Hell, he has about 20 wrinkles! Hells Bells, he's almost nothing BUT a wrinkle! How could he already be old!?

Kain: I've been a vampire for at least a millennium, but it feels like at least only 1000 years!

But Kain knew what he had to do. Hey, being old isn't so bad...

Anyway, the lieutenants were still having fun playing their stupid little game. Zephon was starting to tire of it though.

Dumah: (to Rahab) You got any...Bs?

Rahab: Go Fish.

So Dumah punched Zephon's face. Then Zephon caught onto something.

Zephon: Hey, Dumah, there are no letters in Go Fish! What do you think I am, some sort of an idiot!?

Dumah: Yes.

Zephon: Oh, okay. Glad I cleared that up.

They heard Kain coming, but weren't prepared for what they saw. Kain was wearing nothing but a really big diaper. This, of course, horrified everyone.

Dumah: Woah, woah, woah!

Turel: G'ehhh!

Rahab: The hell!?

Zephon: Ooh, I want a diaper too!

Kain: Well, I'm acting my age! I'm old, so I get to wear a diaper again!

Rahab: (nervously) Heh heh heh, alright.

Kain: So go on playing your game. Forgive me if my teeth fall out though.

Turel: (nervous) Um...yeah.

So they continued playing their game with Kain standing there, but after a few minutes, they stopped. They smelled something funny. Kain blushed.

Kain: Oops! Hehehe, my bad, looks like I'm incontinent. Who wants to change me?

The four vampire lieutenants screamed in mortal terror and ran the hell away. Kain just looked at where they just were.

Kain: Hey, where'd everyone go! Isn't anyone gonna change my diaper!? If you don't, I'll talk about my diaper!

Total silence ensued.

Kain: Hm. Wonder why everyone ran away.

No offense, but sometimes, old people suck. And like good little lieutenants, they called a nursing home for Kain. Aww, how sweet. Except for Dumah, he's an idiot.

* * *

Well, it looks like the scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth. Kain is staring at YOU, the readers. He's finally figured out that this is all a fanfic. Actually, this is Kain's fanfic. Vorador and Janos come skipping into the scene, excited.

Vorador: Hey, guess what Kain? My butt is green!

Kain: Shhh!

Janos: What?

Kain: I invited you two here to know that this isn't real. This is really just a

fanfic.

Vorador: ...we're on TV? You invited us on TV! Thanks you Kain! That means

they can see us!?

Kain: Actually, it's a fic.

But Vorador and Janos were too excited about being 'celebrities.' Vorador ran up to YOU and turned around.

Vorador: Hey! You can see my butt! You can see my butt!

Janos was so excited that he ran up to Kain, hugged him then kissed him on the lips.

Janos: You invited us on TV! I love you!

Vorador: The readers can see my butt! The readers can see my butt!

Kain just growled and mentally kicked himself in the head. He KNEW it was a bad idea to lets these two goobers know about this. Now let's head to the next skit before Vorador shows his butt to YOU again.

* * *

Note: I had a little help with this skit, and this skit has a special guest, so I just thought I'd let you know.

The scene is the now infamous Kain & Janos addiction show!! Though today, they're also doing an interview! Kain and Janos are sitting next to each other as usual.

Janos: Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting addition of the Kain and

Janos show!

Kain: Yeah! And also, I'm better than Janos, he's a sissy!

Janos: No I'm not.

Kain: Yes you are, you use brill cream on your hair. Hah, what a sissy!

Janos: I will have you know that my hair makes me look like a dashing young stud!

Kain: Heh, you just look like a sissy!

Janos: You know, we never really get to talk much before we do stuff. How about we have a nice chat. What kind of dream job have you always wanted?

Kain: Me? I've always wanted to conquer Nosgoth. And I have! Huzzah! What about you?

Janos: I've always wanted to be a dick! You know, a private eye; a Dick Tracey?

Kain: Ahahahaha! You wanted to be a dick! Ahahahaha!

Janos: (sighs) You perverted, empty-headed moron. Let's get our first guest out here. Our first guest is a Zephonim.

Kain: Hey wait, aren't all Zephonim's complete idiots in that they take after Zephon?

Janos: Of course not. That's just an unfortunate stereotype.

So now a Zephonim named Apalognia walks onto the K & J stage. He's wearing a shirt saying "I'm With Stupid" with an arrow pointing up to himself. Janos is still hoping that the all-Zephonims being stupid thing is only a stereoype.

Oddly Named Zephonim Apalognia: Help. I'm, addicted to breathing.

'Dear God no. They are all stupid,' though Janos, but he decided to be polite.

Janos: Ah, this is a problem.

Oddly Named Zephonim Apalognia: I know. I breathe practically all the time. I tried to go cold turkey once, but after thirty seconds I passed out on the floor.

Kain gave an evil, Grinchy-grin.

Kain: Ah well, if you stop breathing, it'll get better.

Janos: Um, I really don't think this is a good idea.

Kain: Aw, quiet Janos. (to Apalognia) It's a good idea, trust me.

Oddly Named Zephonim Apalognia: Ok.

5 minutes later...

Kain: There, now don't you feel better?

Oddly Named Zephonim Apalognia: XX

Janos: Oh my Elder God!

Kain: (talking to stage prop guy, who is Moloch) Open the corpse hatch!

Janos: The hell!? (glares at Kain)

Kain: What!??

Janos just continues staring at Kain, mouth agape. Kain honestly can't figure out what he's done that's been so bad.

Kain: Well, today's show was short.

Janos: Hold on a minute! We're not done yet! We're also gonna interview someone!

Kain: Hey, I wasn't told!

Janos: Cause you're not important enough. Come on out, our special guest star, Remington!

Then a VERY feminine-looking male vampire came and sat on an extra chair. Remington has decided to dress up for the occasion, so he's wearing tons of glitter on his fingernails and eyelashes and he has his eyelids colored blue and is wearing plastic heels. He got, what he calls, beautiful sparkling fingernails and a halter-top. Like I said, Remington is very feminine. Kain looked at Remington, licked his hand and then smoothed back his hair.

Kain: (to Remington) Hey there hot chick.

Remington: (clearly insulted) I'm not a-

Kain: How about I 'impale' you with the 'Soul Reaver?'

Janos: Eww, Kain's trying to be sexy!

Remington: You sick bastard!!

Now that Kain had actually heard Remington's voice, Kain shrieked in recognition.

Kain: You're a woman with a man's voice? You're Ru Paul!!

Remington: I AM NOT A WOMAN DAMMIT!!

Kain: What, so you're a cross dresser?

Remington: NO!!

Kain: So you're a man that looks like a chick. Oh, I get it, you had a sex change.

Remington: Grrrrr! (to Janos) If Kain doesn't stop I'll shove a tuba up his ass!

Janos: (to Kain) No Kain, he's always been a male, he's just kinda feminine.

Kain finally realized what was going on. Realization dawned upon him, then he grinned and nudged Janos' shoulder.

Kain: Hey, Janos. (Kain pointed at Remington) Dude looks like a lady. Ahahahaha!

Remington was furious. His well mascara face flew a bright red. He then pulled out a pencil.

Remington: I have a good mind to stab you in the butt with this and draw a smiley face!!

Kain: You can't, you'd mess up your pretty shoes.

Then Remington punched Kain, knocking himself out. Then Remington sat down next to Janos and crossed his legs.

Remington: Well, anything else you want to add?

Janos: (blooddrop) Um, eh, we really need to stop when our cast members are pimp-slapped by a vampire.

Then Janos turns to YOU.

Janos: Thank you for watching the Kain & Janos show. Tune in next time when we interview a cross-dressing lesbian hooker with a mole on her leg and a flared nostril. Bye bye! (turns to Remington) Please don't hurt me!

* * *

Well well well, I think this turned out pretty well. First I want to shout out 2 very special thanks. First is to MarinasMyst, who co-wrote a certain part. She wrote in about the vampire who had a breathing addiction. Second, I'd like to very special thank Ratface for letting me borrow Remington (at least I'm pretty sure it was Ratface). On a second note, what ever happened to Ratface. First I can't find the fic Kain vs. Vorador, and now I can't even find his ID! But of course, thank everyone for reading. Review time!

_HealerAriel: Yes, it's great to have your favorite characters dumbasized. Don't know why, I agree, but it is satisfying. And you can look forward to me making an idiot out of Kain for a loooooong time!_

_Marina'sMyst: Ah, Vonnis is another Vorador! Ahhhh, they're multiplying!! And yep, I know that's what a Moebius Strip is. That's why I made the pun. The first time I heard the word, though, I had NO idea what to think!_

_CoaD: I like your shortened name! Easier to write. Oh, and for some reason I keep turning Dumah into a woman, I don't know why._

_Marina Hawksmoor: Yeah, um, okay. It's good to know that 'multiple' people think my story is good, especially insane ones! Yay!_

_Tomlette: Yes, his Moebius Strip service is rather...disturbing. Heh, I love Razielia, I guess it's good she/he/it feels that way. I'm afraid this will give her ideas though...oh, and I think I might have called you a 'man' in a review for your Ad Libs fic, sorry about the gender confusion, didn't mean to. (I know you probably don't mind but I thought I'd apologize anyway)_

_Aquasword: Yeah, I like the name Razzmatazz! I think I'll use it more often in conversations! "Your fashion is so last Razzmatazz!" "Excuse me, but you've got a bit of Razzmatazz on your cheek." "Old McDonald don't got Razzmatazz!" I shall write on!!_

_Varewulf: It's okay if you didn't review earlier, you reviewed now! I am trying to write more but it's getting difficult, but I'll try!_

_Popeland: Ah, the infamous nutcase Popeland (the title of 'Nutcase' is an honor!), the Trusty Strings shall probably return! But there's Trusty-everything these days. Have you tried Trusty Papillas? Or how about Trusty doorknockers? Trusty bustenhalters! There's so much more!_

_Lovecraft151: What do you mean the series has come to an end? Though I do admit, I don't really know what could happen now. All I can think of is Kain going as far back as the Ancient-Hylden war and stopping the Ancients from getting the blood-curse so the Pillars could be served by their rightful owners. Only bad part: Kain would pop out of existence. Thank you so much for the complement!_

_ShadesOfBlood: Rip Maen! Pheonix Down! There, you're alive again! Thank me by hopefully liking this chapter!_

_Kangaroo Joe: I understand what you mean, I know this stuff is funny but sometimes I myself don't think it is so I have a tendency to push myself too hard. Kain and Jay and Silent Bob? I might could, it would be a good combination but I haven't seen the movie in a long time so I'd have to see it again. Thanks for reviewing!_

Wow, 11 reviews for one chapter! You all you me so much, thank you!! Just for that I have 1 last skit to exit with! See you next time! Oh yeah, two more things. One, I've started college, it's actually pretty cool. Two, Alien vs. Predator is a very cool movie. Go Aliens!

* * *

Well, we open up to a field with a complex power line holder in it. You know, those gray metal structures that the power leads to. Anyway, it's turned off. Kain is staring at YOU with a smug look on his face. Then Vorador and Janos come bouncing up to Kain.

Vorador: Hehehe, my butt is green! My butt is green!

Janos: Kain, I love you! (kisses Kain on cheek)

Kain glares but then starts grinning at them again. He points to the power line holder.

Kain: I got y'all a jungle jim!

Janos: A jungle jim!? Yay!

Vorador: Yay, a jungle jim! Thank you!

Both Janos and Vorador go and climb the turned off power line holder and have a lot of fun! Kain looks at YOU with a smug grin on his face and he pulls out a switch. He then presses the switch, which turns power on.

FZZZZT-BOOM!

FZZZZT-BOOM!

Kain looks at YOU.

Kain: Oh, I do so hate it when they're having fun.


End file.
